Saturday, July 15, 2006

A Story I Call… The Winning Bid (featuring Beer)

So I’m a pretty handsome dude. Most girls who meet me think I’m one hell of a catch (no need to swear). This weekend I was persuaded to go in an auction OF THE FLESH to help raise money for some cause I don’t recall. To cut a long story short I went for a large sum of money and I cured a kid of diseases because of it.

Anyway, turns out the winning bidder was the gorgeous French woman. She was pretty perfect. Smart, funny, beautiful, refined, the works! The prize meant that I would be hers for an entire night (ooo suggestive). So I went to her house yesterday and she said there was only one thing she wanted. And she wanted me to do it for her alllllll night.

Cook a French dish for her. She would bark orders at me and I would follow them. TO THE LETTER. She warned me that this would take a long time to cook.

It began by slicing 4 pieces of bacon, 4 medium-large onions and about 750g of good beef (I think it was chuck or rump or some such). She ordered me to cook the bacon in the pan until the fat and rendered off and the bacon was cooked, making certain not to let it get too brown. After transferring the bacon to a plate with some paper to cut the grease, I then brown the pieces of beef which had been cut into smallish squares AKA chunks, a few at a time, until all done. Making sure not to have the heat too high so the beef doesn't get a crust. The beef was transferred to another plate and in the pan (with the heat now turned down to medium) went onions and a bit of butter since the pan was getting a bit dry. I also added a clove of garlic which had been crushed. The onions were cooked for approx 25 mins until they were caramelised but not brown and then removed.

The pan was still a little dry so more butter was added. Into this went about 1 tablespoon of flour. This was mixed together at a low heat to make a bit of a roux. Make sure the flour is perfectly dissolved into the roux before adding 1 cup of beef stock and 2 cups of beer. I had a bottle of Chimay Grande Reserve or some shit and found that good. Two caveats: 1) the flour will not dissolve once the stock and beer has been added so make sure the mixture is silky before adding, 2) the flavour of the beer is accentuated during cooking so do NOT use a bitter beer. Use a good beer with a bit of body.

She then told me to put this into a casserole dish. The oven had been preheated at about 150 degrees. Put in the beef, season it, add in the onion, then the bacon, then about 3 bay leaves. NOW. Add the beer/stock/roux mixture from the pan into this so it JUST covers the contents. If it’s a bit low then you can top it up with some more beer or stock.

Now. Cover this and put it in your oven for about 2.5 hours. After this time (or until the sauce is a desired thickness) she said to take it out, serve it on top of some boiled or mashed potatoes and top with carrots. I got lazy and just put potato and carrots on top.

After she ate it we had sex. I didn’t get to taste any.



Rach said...

Oh, Jobe, you with your meats and French women and curing childs of their disease. I would only disappoint French ladies, 'cause they'd come into my kitchen and find only green shit and lentils. C'est la vie.

Jobe said...

You can share mine if you want. Communal eating, etc.

sublime-ation said...

We made this just last week. It's like we are living parallel lives, in inverse: you:homme me: femme, you with femme me with homme.

Jobe said...


Talk about freaky Friday!

fluffy said...

perfect time of year for this. i need a le creuset for the oven, dammit.